With the skies swollen with more baby snow goblins on the way, we would do well to strengthen our tattered defenses. During the holidays we go to despicable lengths of gluttony in the name of good cheer; now is the time to coddle and nourish ourselves out of necessity. Like smack junkies in withdrawal, cracked lips hissing moans of painfully unfulfilled desire, like an infant deprived of attention while its parents turn their attention hatefully on one another, like zombies craving brains because of “the pain… the pain of being dead,” so we come stumbling, shell shocked drones of sudden deprivation, into the wasteland of January. Am I harping on this? Cold Rules Everything Around Me.
I am an ardent moisturizer. My pasty white Irish/Slavic skin lacks completely the ability to generate its own natural oils, and when the indoor heat is cranked in winter I come dangerously close to the dusty fate of the villain at the end of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” who “chose… poorly.” In Queen of Hearts we have a series of body butters that go on so thick and sink in so slow it’s like going to church.
It comes in magnificently large and ostentatious tubs in four scents that beg you to greedily scoop it out by the pawful. I’m a big fan of the Clementine & Cedarwood. Earthy and clean, it leaves you smelling like Martha Stewart’s closet. If you can imagine.
For your flaky, chapped lips, we have lip butter (ladies love butter) from the Plum Island Soap Company. This stuff’s so all-natural it comes with an expiration date.
We currently have it in Peppermint, Pink Grapefruit, and Black Licorice.
While we’re still in slather & rub mode, let’s take a look at one of the fragrances from the Providence Perfume Company. Cocoa Tuberose: smoky and dark with the faintest hint of a floral note reaching up from its swirling depths, this scent is the mirror of your January soul.
Ok, now that we’re moist, buttery, and smell great, we can get dressed. Baby, it’s cold outside. Please do not let me see you staggering in an awkward death row hop-step in stilettos through the snow in a tank top and miniskirt with NOTHING ELSE ON. Seriously. Please. Have some self-respect. Dress for the weather. We have stuff here that will keep you warm, like an assortment of hats, armwarmers, and scarves hand-knit by Karen Beebe’s mother. You can buy love.
We also have some awesomely slouchy, loose knit scarves and cowls from Jill Lauren that look so amazing you can wear them as a necklace. Look at Liz.
Are you warm and cosy yet? No? Ok, have some hot chocolate. Put some bourbon in it. Drink it out of this:
Now cuddle up against something warm and go to sleep until February.