Irregular Choice makes some amazing, kick-ass, crazy shoes. Browsing through the website makes me feel a little bit like a sexually repressed spinster visiting a reform school for wicked girls and trying to choose which one I want to adopt. Some are ugly, some are beautiful. Some look painful, others look deceptively simple. Some of them are violent, some are masochistic, some are twisted, some have a wonky eye and drool a little. All of them have a brazenly indomitable spirit that makes me a little nervous. All of them want to come home with me. They don’t want gruel, they want pizza and Chinese food. They press up against the links of the fence containing them and reach out to me, not begging but demanding that I choose them. I am the best. I am the one you want. ME. CHOOSE ME. After hours spent staring into their proud, hungry eyes I narrow them down to two choices: African Queen and Sweetybird.
In doing so I have revealed my obvious weakness for teal. But what kind of teal? Shiny and reflective or soft and quilted? I love both. African Queen caught my eye first. The glitter, oh my God the GLITTER. The candy bow. The racing stripe. The African Queen would win in a knife fight. That much is obvious. The Sweetybird would poison the milk you pour on your cornflakes and smile at you from across the kitchen table. The African Queen holds your feet in a hard, lacquered grip, dominating you as you dominate the dance floor. The Sweetybird softly embraces you and flirtatiously flutters up the back of your ankle, naughtily peeking up your skirt. The African Queen will come home late, shout, scream, break your china and be ostentatiously promiscuous. Sweetybird will assume the appearance of a doting daughter while she sneaks your valium and carries on a quiet affair with the priest.
I want Sweetybird. It’s the soft group of fabric petals. They just kill me. We don’t have her in the shop, but she is available for special order.
African Queen is here and has been raising hell for a week.
Next week her cousin is coming to visit. She was just released on parole after having set free all the tigers from the zoo. Prepare for the Trinkletina!