Sigh. Snow. Really? It’s not that much, and it’s not that cold, and we got off easy with this exceptionally (creepily) warm Winter. Remember last Winter? Remember the mess it made? This Winter is the quiet younger sibling that inconspicuously read The Bobbsey Twins in the corner while her older brother built a meth lab in the basement and set the house on fire because he accidentally knocked part of his setup into the Sterno flame he was using to boil his heroin fix while he was slapping a prostitute around for not coming through with his share of the loot from the races he fixed the night that he knocked over the liquor store where his grandmother was working in order to get the money to have his perineum pierced to the side of his leg. This Winter has been nothing but polite and well-mannered, its only noticeable flaw being that its quietude and eagerness to please has been in the mildly disconcerting manner that a sociopath might intimate when he smiles and pulls out your chair for you at dinner. Let’s keep your hands where we can see them, please. It’s not your fault that Winter 2010-2011 kicked our collective ass, Winter 2011-2012. And we recognize and appreciate how well-behaved you’ve always been, and we know that it’s totally unfair that you’re going through your own thing and that you haven’t had that much attention and that our attitude toward you is predicated by the actions of your predecessor. But look, it’s March. The first day of Spring is three short weeks away. And we know, we know, Spring didn’t mean a thing to last year. But it’s a little late to be acting out now, don’t you think? You’re practically grown. Your feelings are real and valid, but we should probably talk about them over coffee. In the unseasonable warmth of the sun. Next to a vase of prematurely blooming flowers, perhaps? If you really want to rebel, Winter 2011-2012, give us some flowers. It’s more suited to your creativity and intelligence than this snowy outburst. We’ll help you figure it out. Here, this is what a flower looks like:
It’s lushly green at the bottom and brightly colored at the top. It has petals that blossom outward and accentuate the delicate slenderness of its stem. It’s beautiful. We want it. This is how you’ll earn our love. Promise.