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Here are some universal reasons why owning the perfect Little Black Dress is a good idea:
When you find the right one, you have a go-to garment that you can wear to any occasion, including the kind of surprise occasion that always catches you with nothing to wear, like an unexpected date (wheee!), an unexpected court date (whoops), an unexpected art opening (free champagne what?), an unexpected New Year’s Eve (it happens), an unexpected funeral (I’m sorry), or an unexpected state event or awards ceremony (congratulations!).
You can eat as much pizza and Chinese food in a little black dress and you will never look as bloated as if you consume the same amount in a little pink or purple dress.
Apart from a few things like grease or white paint, you can spill whatever you want on it and it won’t really show.
It is very hard to feel insecure in a little black dress. The black hugs you, embraces you, pulls you into the shadows, and blends you in (except for your piercing eyes and ravishing decolletage).
Black photographs better than any other color. When you flip through old photos, or whatever you people flip through these days with your weird digital do-dads and whatsits, you look best in black. Photographs are different from memories, but the way they affect your memories is a little creepy. Memory is an unstable thing; as a mater of fact every time you remember anything your magnificent brain alters it slightly, filling in tiny spaces it can’t actually remember with what it perceives as likelihoods, coloring the past with your present perceptions, opinions and biases, and placing other related memories at the edges of the scene you recall so that everything bleeds together a little bit. A photograph is a little more dictatorial. A photograph is never a depiction of your memory of an event, duh, but once you view yourself in a photograph the photograph begins to replace your actual experience with its own depiction of events. Things like lighting, faces frozen in expressions that were transitional during the actual course of events but have now, by having been captured on film, become the permanent mask of the unfortunate subject, and the way that you look. Now, knowing that the photograph will slowly and insidiously replace the memory of you, wouldn’t you like to photograph well? Hmmmmmmmmmm?
Now, we have a lot of Little Black Dresses. I mean, WE HAVE A LOT OF LITTLE BLACK DRESSES. The ones pictured above is a small sample. They are as varied as the sparkles in your beautiful eyes, some having lace, others having sequins, some with straps and some without. Pick your pleasure. However, a few things to keep in mind:
1. You can wear a shorter hemline in an LBD. And you should. You don’t want to look matronly.
2. You can mix textures, sequins, rhinestones and patterns very easily in an LBD. It’s all black, so it automatically matches! With that said, stay away from rhinestones that spell out words. Or look like flowers. Or butterflies. And if you’re one of those people who can’t help picking at things, stay away from rhinestones altogether. Picking at yourself in public defeats the purpose of waking up, getting dressed, and leaving the house every day, and it certainly defeats the purpose of the LBD. Your nervousness isn’t charming when it manifests by leaving bits of you on the floor.
3. If you like to be a little more modest, go for either a longer hemline or a shorter hemline. You don’t want to look matronly.
4. Please please please try something cinched at the waist with a flared or poufy skirt. It looks so good on everyone. Please. Try?
5. Shop at Queen of Hearts for your LBD. We have it. I promise. IF I WILL IT, YOU WILL COME. Then go out for a cocktail with me. Cuz damn, girllllllll, you look fine.